“My boss is a master of toxic positivity.”
“I feel like a former boss played favorites with another coworker, and I can't get over it even though she's left. It was just unfair, and sometimes it pops up randomly. My current boss is a master of toxic positivity ("everything is going to be fine" is her catchphrase), when I've gained weight and suffered insomnia and headaches while we were understaffed.”
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. As I see it, there are two issues with a through-line between both:
The first one is with your former boss. Obviously, it sucks to not be someone’s favorite but the fact that you’re still grappling with it means that this experience triggered something unresolved in you. Even though you say that it pops up “randomly”, I’m not so sure of that. Whenever a feeling inside us seemingly comes out of nowhere, there’s always a sequence of events that tapped us subconsciously, so do your best to unravel the last time this happened, taking a detective’s lens to the breadcrumbs that eventually led to these feelings “popping up.” To truly heal, most likely you’ll need to go back further in time to earlier memories where you felt looked over, or actively unchosen, and see how you can give extra love and care to that part of you now. Which brings me to your current boss….
My goal with coaching is to show you a way to give yourself what you need, instead of hinging your hopes, dreams, and happiness on anyone else. In other words: what can you control, what can you impact, and what do you need to let go of? In this situation with your current boss, I encourage you to think about ways you can protect yourself from her toxic positivity. Just as I urged you to dig deep to uncover why part of you is still so hurt by your last boss, I encourage you to explore why this current boss is also triggering you so much. It helps to get specific: what does positive toxicity represent to you? It seems to be a gaslighting of your concerns, an erasure of your experience. Which honestly, reminds me of your last boss in that you keep getting looked over!
Here’s the question to ask yourself that will lead to an action plan that protects you from these immature bosses:How do you ensure that you’re advocating for yourself in a compelling way that others can better receive it? (Usually, that means speaking to their concerns, priorities, and goals.) That way, even if you’re not someone’s “favorite”, you feel confident that you made your position clear. Then make sure you have allies elsewhere so your success isn’t reliant on the whims of one person.
How can you set stronger boundaries within yourself so you don’t absorb other people’s missteps? I understand that there were staffing issues that led to losing sleep, getting headaches, etc, but that should be the boss’ problem and not yours. I’d recommend walking through all the things on your plate that led to these issues and discussing with her now (before shit hits the fan again) how to work together in a more sustainable way moving forward. Position it as a benefit to her, rather than a deficit in you. Come with potential solutions and ask for her buy-in through seeking her guidance. If she’s such a “positive” person, it signals to me that difficult conversations are probably not her favorite. Present this almost as a mentorship opportunity where you lay out a situation that happened and then seek her counsel on how she might’ve handled things.
I encourage you to explore ways to practice protecting your energy on a daily basis, and particularly before, during, and after experiences that tend to leach from and/or trigger you. For example, imagine coating your body in gold molten lava, wrapping yourself in an armor that safeguards you from whatever happens around you.
Nothing is worth your health, not even your work. Especially not your work.
You got this 💪
x Claire
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